Lapus lazuli earrings set in sterling silver is what I bought myself today, because I needed to. Blue spirit. Reflection. A mirror. Water spirit flows to the unfathomable in myself. To find out who I am and what I need. The unconscious. The merge. Deep movement. Love of God between two people. All of my tears. I need to not be exploited.
Why, when a person touches you so deeply, do they sometimes say goodbye and pretend it never happened? There was the blue-black metallic spider that scuttled off into the airduct, forever disappearing in my dream. And there was another who touched my soul deeply, but who lied. Why is it that the Other, my complement, is not willing to explore the boundless wonders of love, spiritual affinity, to make real the potential that exists when you find yourself facing the truth in yourself–that magic that transforms you from ordinary and shallow to something truly divine.
I want to find marriage in its truest, highest sense. Is it just too idealized to be possible? Do people’s small egos and stubborn pride have to step in and kill the thing? Do we have to be overcome by dependencies and that strangle true fulfillment, or is this longing really a longing for dependency and security? Am I destined to be alone because I want too much? Why are we so afraid to lose control? What are we controlling? Here we are, back again, to the deepest fear, perhaps rejection of one’s being by one’s beloved (?). Or is one’s beloved a mirror, and does losing the reflection cut you off from your primal creativity, etc.?
We each have many masks that we wear, which don’t necessarily represent who we deeply are. We change faces spontaneously-unconsiously to remain distant. For me, it is so difficult to be close and really vulnerable. At the same time, my own masks are not adequate to hide my feelings. Honesty strips us of our defenses. Our lack of self-control frightens us. We are afraid to be helpless and potentially be at the mercy of another, who may be inadequate to respond to that sweet inner child. Most people either lie or compromise. The issue is avoided, partially, or entirely. I guess the real issue is whether you are willing to face yourself by letting down your walls (and feeling it). Truth and trust.
